Wants and Needs

I have lived in Washington State for two years. I moved here after getting a B.S. that has so far gotten me no where. I have a job that pays me rather well… to do something I don’t care too much about. At least, I don’t care about it as much as what I got my degree in.

After two years of struggle, I am now finally earning enough to be able to afford my own apartment. I signed the contract for it today. I am very glad that I can finally be completely independent. Part of me will miss having roommates, but that just provides more of an incentive for me to have company over and not be the recluse I tend to be.

And yet, with all this progress, I am finding myself in a melancholy mood. Not because I’ll be a spinster (at 26!) living alone with my cat. Nor because I have yet to do anything worthwhile with my degree.

I find myself in the doldrums because I have needs that are not being met. I have desires yet unfulfilled. What needs and desires? Well, I’m a domme, and the past year has been a struggle with my submissive.

I’ve had my submissive for two years. Let’s just call him Renard. The first year was good. We both had ample time and energy for each other.

Then I got my first job at a company that worked all its employees like slaves. The stress was unbelievable and unbearable. By a year and a half into our relationship, I was a shell of myself. He was lucky if I texted him once a month. I was an awful, awful dominant. I failed him miserably, because I was miserable. I didn’t want him to see how badly I was doing, so I distanced myself from him.

I am eternally grateful that he was patient with me and did not abandon me as his dominant.

And now it’s my turn to be patient. (Not a strong-suit of mine.) Sure, I’m doing much better. I have a different job that lets me be me and appreciates my work. As aforementioned, I’m also making decent money. My stress levels are very low. So of course, now that I have gained my inner stability again, all the wants and needs I’ve been burying are starting to dig themselves out of their graves like people buried alive poorly.

I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my submissive for months, but to no avail. He has little time for me. He has little energy for me. He doesn’t have money. I don’t want to pressure him or add to his stress, but I’m also trying to be mindful of the fact that I’m his dominant, and damn it, that means that sometimes, he needs to suck things up and do what I want. Especially if what I want is something as beneficial as spending time together.

I want him to obey me. I want to be his priority. I want him to be himself again. There is, of course, a lot that I’m leaving out.

I just have to take a deep breath in, and be patient. I have my own place now. He’s moving closer. He’ll be away from most of the things causing him stress. We’ll be able to work on things.

It’s been a hell of a year (and by that I mean the past twelve months, not 2013), but I am his Master, and I am going to make things work.

5 comments on “Wants and Needs

  1. mysticlez218 says:

    lol @ being a spinster at 26, you have a long ways to go with a whole life ahead of you. Try being 35 and your degree amounting to nothing at the moment

    • I’m kind of learning that the most important thing is to be happy while pursuing bigger goals. When I was growing up, I centered my happiness upon getting the proper schooling so I could have my dream job, but now that I’m out of school… There’s so much more to life than your job!

  2. Faile says:

    I’m struck by and curious about why you describe yourself as a Master rather than a Mistress? What speaks to you about that word, why does it reflect you?

    Faile x

    • It all boils down to my own problems with the title ‘Mistress’. I know that technically, mistress is just a female version of master. Be that as it may, I haven’t really been able to let go of the vanilla meaning of mistress: a woman on the side. Also, if you are an expert at something, you’re called a master, not a mistress. I am a master of my Renard. I know him better than he knows himself. I know that in the lifestyle, Mistress is definitely a powerful title, but to me the background of the word has watered it down. I think being called Master is much more powerful.

      If I’m doing a scene with a play partner, I’ll have them call me Mistress, since to me, I’m just a temporary person topping/mastering them.

      It’s funny that you ask this, because lately I’ve been pondering this. I love that I’m a dominant woman, and I want a feminine title to go by. So I’ve been thinking of the title Domina and what the implications and history of the word and title are. I think Domina might just be as powerful a word to me as Master. Any thoughts?

      • Faile says:

        My thoughts on my own title (or lack of it) I have already expressed on my blog. Since then I’ve noticed that my boy calls me ‘Mistress’ (genuinely and rarely) when he is somehow handing himself over to me. It’s a word that reflects how he feels and it feels powerful in that moment because he is giving it that power.
        Thinking about that, I’d say there’s two side to this, there’s having a title which Renard would relate to and would help him surrender himself and there’s having a title to reinforce your own self-image. The latter is personal to you and only you can choose it because it is your perception of it that matters. If ‘Domina’ makes you feel powerful then use it; I think it’s a lovely word and would sound beautiful in the mouth of the right man.

        Faile x

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