king of swords

I am an impatient person. It’s one of my faults. I’m also emotional. It’s another fault. I try to counteract my impatience and emotions with meditation. Of course, if I get emotional or strung-out, I don’t always remember to meditate. No, no. First I berate myself. A lot. I pick at myself and hate on myself for having emotions and needs and thoughts and so on. It stems from me rather disliking the possibility that I can get carried away with my emotions. I also get extremely uncomfortable with any sort of strong emotion, be it anger, happiness, or love. I don’t trust them.

Here is my situation. My last real post was about meeting Mr. Awesome. We had two awesome, mind-blowing ‘dates’. We parted ways last Tuesday morning. Wednesday he left for the East Coast to attend to some familial celebrations. He has not spoken with me since we parted ways. I have behaved. I texted him the following morning to say good morning. I texted him Friday afternoon to see how his flight had gone. No response. Ok… Now it’s been a week, and I’m still on radio silence.

I have my insecurities. They are weevils boring through my mind.

I don’t easily take advice. I know I need to just let things be and see how they turn out. Of course, it always helps to have help. One thing I like to do is give myself Tarot readings. If there’s one source I’ll do my damnedest to heed, it’s my Tarot’s messages. My reading reminded me that my worries and fears come from a place of hurt in my past, and that I must continue to strive to not let that hurt govern me. It also told me to not jump to conclusions and to let things progress as they will.

This last bit reminded me that I hadn’t done Mindfulness meditation in a while. So I did. I found a great session guiding me to remember that I am more than my thoughts or emotions. I am my Awareness.

It’s stunning how tranquil this observant, neutral place of Awareness is within myself. Whenever my emotions start to boil, all I have to do is think on being Aware and Alakazam! I’m calm. Waiting is no longer ‘waiting’. There is no anxious anticipation. There’s just me, content to observe.

I know what I want and I know what I deserve. Yes, I do hope that Mr. Awesome will want to continue things with me. Yes, I know that a week of not hearing from him while he’s on vacation shouldn’t be too big a deal, especially with how new we are to each other.

So I’m just going to go on about my week. I am not going to let myself have a ‘waiting’ mentality. What happens, happens. I am Aware and I strive to be at peace.

((Picture is the King Of Swords from the Pui Mun Tarot Deck))

One comment on “Waiting

  1. MaríMar says:

    I hope you are ok and doing well…

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