Update 1

Holy balls, it’s been a while. Time to get back on the ball. 

For me, when things fall apart, a have a tendency of becoming a hermit and dropping a lot of social activity. This, evidently, includes blogging. 

Let’s start with an update on the Mr. Perfect business.

Things did not turn out for the best. I wish it were otherwise. I wish the reason for my absence from this blog was due to being gloriously happy and having everything in life I could ever want in a man. But of course, since this is my life, that isn’t the case.

True to my word, I did not take up a ‘waiting’ mentality. However, by the following Friday, he still had not attempted to contact me. Even though I knew he’d returned from his trip. So I texted him Friday afternoon. A simple, “How was your trip?” A good deal of me wasn’t expecting a response. Well, I got one. The texts quickly evolved into him saying that he wanted me to come over so he could cook me a salmon dinner. I said fuck yes and got my ass over there.

He was amazing. As usual. I lightly brought up him not talking to me and he gave the (unacceptable) excuse that he’d been busy with family and friends and partying. And then he informed me (ever so casually) that he’d been back since that Tuesday. Which meant that he’d been back in Seattle for four days and hadn’t thought to even text me. It peeved me, but I swept it under the rug. Communication is always something that can be worked on.

We eat. We drink a tiny bit. We watch a movie. I stay the night.

That night. Shit. I still bite my lip thinking about it. 

I stayed resolved to not have sex with him until I we were official and I could be assured of some commitment. However, we did fool around. It started innocently enough… And then lead to me completely fucking owning him with an hour-long hand-job. This wasn’t just any hand-job, of course. I set his erogenous zones on fire. I even got to do a bit of energy play. It was amazing. He was breath-taking in his abandon and his submission to me. I turned him into a puddle of blissed-out pleasure. He was astonished and impressed. I was reminded just how good I am with men and how much I love sexually dominating them. I didn’t need to be touched. I didn’t need to be physically pleasured. Him giving himself up to my whim was everything I needed.

Eventually, things settle and he falls asleep. I struggle to sleep for whatever reason. It takes me over an hour to fall asleep, and I only stay out for an hour or so. I wake up and something’s wrong. It feels like I’m alone in the bed. I look over, and he’s right there. I touch him, he’s breathing. But I can’t feel his energy. A sense of loss floods me. A premonition, though I couldn’t tell at the time. I try to be calm. But he’s gone. I know we’re over. But the knowledge doesn’t make sense. Still, the intensity of the sense of loss is enough that I can’t fall asleep. I try to ignore it. I try to rationalize it. But the feeling does not ebb.

Until he wakes, and then it dissipates only enough to not be crushing me and keeping me close to tears.

We go to breakfast. I try to not be distracted. I try to ignore that odd sleeplessness. Things are going well. We are affectionate. He is still amazing. We part ways; I had to go to work, he had to help a friend. I debate with myself, then say ‘fuck it’ and text him that he should be my boyfriend. I’m not a patient person! 

Here’s where things fall apart. The thing he was doing for a friend was actually helping her start up her business. I knew this. He responds to my proposal by telling me that his friend offered him a position as co-founder of her company while he was helping her. The company is on the east coast. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. It is potentially just him lying to me. I still don’t know. He decides to take it. Things ended at that. 

I was rather torn up. I hadn’t become too emotionally attached, and yet I was devastated. I doubt it will be any time soon before I meet someone that I have that kind of chemistry with again. It took me about a month to scrape my emotions back together.

The month after was filled with me getting motivated again. Motivated to be social, motivated to continue my hobbies, motivated to start re-learning the shit I’ve forgotten from university so I can get a job that relates to it. 

I’ll leave things here. Next post will be updating what’s going on with me and my Renard. Things haven’t been good. Balls.

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