Update 2

Apathy.

Fuck.

Renard has it. He’s not improving. Last week, I almost ended everything with him.

1) It began innocently enough. I found out Renard has been watching hypnosis videos, some of which are bdsm-related. I’m a boss at hypnosis. Something Renard doesn’t really know, since he’d never shown interest in it and he’s not typically responsive to mind-fuckery. It sucked that he was exploring hypnosis without me, but there was no way I was going to tell him to stop since we so rarely see each other and it’s innocent enough. They’re videos, not an actual person sitting with him, steering his mind. Forgivable. Hesitantly acceptable.

2) Then I found out that Renard has been hanging out with a D/s couple I don’t know. He wrestled with the dominant (just rough-housing in his mind) and thought nothing of the power play. Personally, I don’t care if it’s a ‘scene’ or not, wrestling is inherently a display of dominance and submission. Whether he realizes it or not, I haven’t let anyone I don’t know rough-house with him when we’re at a dungeon.

The only reason I found out about any of this is because one of the other dominant’s dogs bit him, having disliked the scuffle. Renard sent me a picture of the wound. I was furious. I remained calm with him for two reasons. 1) He didn’t know how I felt about wrestling. 2) He honestly didn’t see it as anything but innocent tomfoolery. This, for whatever reason, makes it more forgivable.

Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what this other dominant must think of me. Was it innocent tomfoolery to him as well? Or does he see how little control I have of Renard?

3) This was followed by something else that rather peeved me. Renard has been trying to get a job closer to me for the better part of this year. He had a job interview down the street for me on my day off and didn’t think to tell me. I found out almost accidentally. And then I found out that rather than come up that day, he came up that night and spent it not only sleeping over at Papa’s and Tigresse’s, but getting laid, too. Now, I already knew he’d been having sex with Papa. I have no problem with that. I’m glad he’s getting his sexual needs met. But he could have stayed with me. He could have stayed with me, his Dominant, but didn’t. I hadn’t even thought that he’d come up the night before, otherwise I would have invited him to stay with me. It was upsetting.

4) And finally, a rule was broken. It’s one of the only rules. Rule 1) Don’t play with anyone without my permission. Rule 2) Don’t you fucking dare get your hair cut without me. Don’t. You. Dare. I have a thing about hair. Renard has a thing for being a simple guy, with simple tastes. He’s the kind of guy who would get a stupid, horrid hair cut. So I get to dictate what he does with it. If we were in each other’s lives more, I’d give him a damn make-over. Anyway. Renard got his hair cut off. All of it. For the job interview. What the fucking fuck.

And then it hit me. Am I really even his dominant anymore? It’s been months since I’ve seen him. And when I have been around him, it’s always so… dead. His interest in scening is gone. I have absolutely no say in his life. He’s completely lost touch with doing any of the long distance D/s things we were doing. Simple shit really, just keeping in touch and letting me know what he’s up to.

Honestly… I’m not his Dominant, at this point. It’s an empty title that I still have. I feel like I’m his dominant in name only. I don’t meet any of his needs and he doesn’t meet any of mine.

Part of it is my fault. I’m the dominant. I’m supposed to guide things. I’m supposed to keep things from spinning out of control.

Part of it his fault. He hasn’t put any effort into things since our big trip months ago.

So. I’m going to fix it. I’m going to fix this. Either I’m the dominant in this relationship, or things are over. I’m willing to put in one last effort. Yes, last week I was going to call it quits. But we’re so close to him moving nearer. And fuck, if we have to, I will move him in with me. I can’t go on with this broken relationship anymore. I can’t go on another week knowing that I’m failing as his Dominant.

He’s coming over this weekend. I have a plan. I’m going to clean his chakras, balance out his energy, see if that’s the problem with his apathy. Then we’re going to go over our rules again, and I’m going to have a plan for how we’re going to stay in touch and how often and what he has to inform me of. I’m going to give him my expectations. He’s going to tell me if there’s anything I haven’t covered.

And then we’re going to our dungeon and I’m going to remind him just why he calls me Master. It’s been too long since I properly dominated him. Or anyone, sadly. That’s going to change.

This better work.

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