Gods, am I feeling how much I’ve suppressed my needs and desires. I yearn for a submissive that I can dedicate myself to and that is dedicated to me. I yearn for a bdsm-oriented romantic relationship. I crave that power exchange. But most of all, I hunger for the energy exchange relevant to all of it. I am feeling the pain of the absence of these things rather acutely.
There is the option to take up casual relationships with multiple people so that I can at least get some of my needs met in some fashion. However, I know from personal experience that casual relationships don’t really satisfy me. I need a very deep level of intimacy and energy exchange to have some form of satisfaction. Not only this, but I also need it to be consistent.
It’s like being someone dying of thirst in a desert. You can forget you’re dying of thirst, so long as you don’t get a taste of water. But once you get a taste of water, it just reminds you of how agonizingly thirsty you are, and how desperately you need to glut yourself on some water. And in fact, it reminds you that you really aught to be drinking at least a full glass of water every day. But you’re not and you can’t, so fuck.
Liberate One wrote up an informed post on the pertinence of a Dominant knowing their wants vs needs. On top of that, I’ve been talking to a potential partner on fetlife. Xajow’s post and my conversation with this FL person have reminded me that I have been suppressing both my wants and my needs to the point where 1) remembering that I even have either is painful since they’re not getting met, and 2) I’ve done such a good job at suppressing my needs and desires, that I’ve forgotten what they are.
Dwelling on my wants and needs is painful. It just serves to remind me of how unsatisfied and unfulfilled I am in certain aspects of my life. But I’m not a weakling, and it is important for me to re-identify what my wants and needs are, and to make sure I have them distinguished.
No, I am not solely some repressed Dominant. I have a lot of things going for me. I do have a life that I am enjoying for the most part. Even so, there is this core of myself that is not being expressed to my satisfaction, and core needs that are not being met, either.
Writing about and honestly contemplating it all helps alleviate the tension. I do still have a great deal of loving-kindness and understanding for myself. I will just have to be patient. Surely, eventually things will work out. Right…?