Long-Winded Catharsis

Well, it’s been a year since I’ve updated this expression of myself. And gods, what a year it has been.

“Why haven’t you posted?!” you may ask. Well, that’s what this post is about, so let’s hit two birds with one stone.

What have I been doing? From November of last year to the end of September this year, I have been in poly triad. A long-distance poly triad, at that. How long of a distance? Me in Seattle, them in Scotland. Yea, half way around the world. Was I mad? Mad for the opportunity, yes.

They know of this profile. I considered making a new one, but I won’t. If they do decide to read this, then they know the risk they are taking, of seeing how I’m doing and feeling.

I have learned a lot of things from this relationship. I’m sure they have, too.

I learned that I am not as much of a cold-hearted bitch as I’d worried I was. I’ve learned that I can push through very difficult emotions like an adult: responsibly, and with love. I’ve learned just how much I can push myself when I am in love. I’ve learned how to be more understanding. I’ve learned to be more caring. I’ve learned to be more accepting. I’ve learned just how much I’m willing to compromise to try to ‘make things work’. I’ve realized that if the whole relationship ends up being about trying to ‘make things work’, then it probably won’t work. I’ve learned that there are people more complicated than myself. I’ve learned to communicate better. I’ve learned to communicate even if the subject is extremely uncomfortable (perhaps especially if it’s uncomfortable). I’ve learned to be less of a fucking slob. I’ve learned how much I love to cook for others. I’ve learned how amazing it feels to actually be someone’s (two someones’) priority. I’ve learned how freaking selfish and spoiled I can still be, and how to not be such a child when it comes to not ‘getting my way.’ I’ve realized that sometimes, I want to scene with others because I can get incredibly lonely and I want a scene to have some sort of intimate, physical connection with someone with or without strings.

I’ve learned that jealousy is a tricky, evil, conniving, underhanded motherfucker, and that it deceptively veils itself as a million other emotions. I’ve realized that jealousy is not just one emotion, and that it can cause a flood of others. I’ve learned that sometimes it takes some real digging to figure out when jealousy is pulling your strings.

I’ve learned that sometimes jealousy cannot be defeated; or at least that I can’t always help others conquer it.

I already knew that I wasn’t perfect, but it’s one thing to know it, and another thing to have imperfections aid in the dissolution of a relationship.

I’ve realized that it will just have to be ok that I won’t understand everyone. I’ve realized just how much I can not understand someone. I’ve realized that if two people think completely differently than one another, that the relationship probably won’t work because communication that results in a true understanding of the other is not highly plausible.

So, the relationship is over. It’s been over for almost a month and a half. It culminated in my visiting them for two weeks in September, and coming to the realization that we just didn’t work as a trouple. When I was with them, I experienced things I never thought I would experience. In the end, it wasn’t enough. A week after I returned, I called the relationship off. The Skype session was… cordial. And yet still devastating. We’d put ourselves wholly into this crazy chance we took. I am infinitely proud of myself for not being a coward. For trying.

It sucks that it failed. It hurts. I’m still hurting. I still care about them. I still wish sometimes that it had worked. I so badly wanted the relationship to be the relationship that put me off the market. The relationship that would make me happy and fulfilled. There were moments of that promise, otherwise I wouldn’t have tried for so long, nor would I have let myself struggle through all the difficulties.

How much compromise is too much compromise? I don’t know. If the compromises you make, make you truly unhappy, then I think that’s when things need to be re-evaluated. If their hard limits are not your hard limits, and their hard limits leave you feeling so unsatisfied that you become miserable, then it’s time to re-evaluate things.

I’m still healing, still hurting as I’ve said, but I’ve also been pushing myself to move on. I’m still grieving, but I am at a point where I want to be with others. Nothing serious. Gods, after all of this, no, no I couldn’t handle serious so soon. But I do want new friendships, new experiences, new friends that may become casual lovers. I’m not ready to have sex just yet. Especially since the last time I had sex it was with people who were in love with me, and with whom I was in love. There’s just no beating that.

I’ve been putting one foot in front of the other since I called the relationship off. I’ve been doing my best to stay optimistic, upbeat, and eager for what may come now.

I’m ready to see where my life will go now.

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