I am in a state of floating. A state of not striving for any one particular goal. Part of me is enjoying that I don’t have those kinds of struggles in my life right now. And yet at the same time, I am struggling.
I have lost myself in a lot of ways. I don’t know my preferences anymore. I don’t know what my specific needs are in a relationship anymore. I feel like I’ve softened and lost myself as a dominant. I find myself questioning and re-evaluating a lot. I compromised so much, and got lost so much in the relationship that I’ve become more of a switch. For now. I just want to be relaxed and let things flow.
Could I be someone’s submissive? No. But last week there was a feeling that came with that response. A vehemence. A negativity. An anger. Why? Why did even contemplating being submissive put me on edge and on the defense? Why did it make me growl inside? Why does considering this bother me so much?
I don’t like this feeling because it is belittling to submissives. If I were submissive with someone, it would not mean I am any less of a person. It would not mean I was being demeaned or abused or subjugated or disrepected. Perhaps it is the fear/anticipation of being disrespected that raises the hackles of my anger when contemplating such things.
Dwelling on this, I have realized a few things (yea, yea, more realizations). I have realized that it has been a long, long time since I have proved myself worthy of dominating someone. And likewise, it has been a long, long time since I have let someone prove that they can be trusted with dominating me. It means that I have a very real, very great fear of someone taking advantage of me, should I submit to them. Why? Where did this fear start and how did it grow?
I shit you not, I have been re-reading my blog to re-learn myself. I have once again suppressed a great deal in myself, to the point where I am having to remind myself of what I’ve liked. It’s sad in a way. That I have forgotten such crucial, significant parts of myself.
I have been wishy-washy about being sadistic/dominant. Why? I think it also has to do with how much effort I put into the relationship. I don’t want to be in charge of things right now. I don’t want to stress about effort. I just want things to flow and be pleasant. I want things to be effortless. I am too emotionally exhausted right now to muster up enough emotional investment to be want to be Dominant.