Processing

This week I have been processing a lot of emotions.

With the last relationship, the stakes were incredibly high. From the get-go, we had to figure out what our game-plan would be if things worked. And the game-plan was for me to move half-way around the world. That put a lot of pressure on making the relationship ‘work’, because of the preparation it would take for me to move. It took a lot of fun out of the fun, flirty, feeling-things-out beginning stage of the relationship. There were several other roadblocks to this, the relationship was incredibly complicated, but suffice to say: things were almost never easy and the relaxed times could be a bit forced.

With the Viking, I don’t want to analyze. I just want to have the fun, flirty, feeling-things-out stage. I don’t want to try to come up with a goal or a game-plan for what the relationship will be. I just want to enjoy his company.

But this past weekend, I was plagued with this internal mounting demand to analyze the budding relationship. I fought it off, but eventually I caved because the pressure was fouling my mood. So I let myself ponder ‘the relationship’ with much dread. At first, I rationalized this dread as the certainty that he and I just couldn’t work out as a romantic couple. We’re both dominants and sadists that can swing a little for the right person. It’s damn-near impossible for two Dominants to work out in a healthy relationship. I dreaded us butting heads. I dreaded the possibility of him wanting to dominate me more than I was willing. I dreaded us not being able to truly fulfill each other.

One of the last times he came over, I dominated him a little (biting and scratching). His feedback (that I requested) afterwards was that he felt ‘indifferent’ when I was doing it. He didn’t dislike it, but he didn’t really like it, either. I fucking hated hearing that he was indifferent to the tame pain I dished out. It was too close to home with what happened with Renard. And also I really very badly wanted him to enjoy it. It pulled the rug right out of me enjoying hearing him gasp or feeling him shiver in pain.

So I’ve been doing nice sensation-play with him instead. But while I can still get him to shiver and gasp, and I can still feed on that energy… It’s nowhere near as fulfilling and satisfying as being sadistically dominant is for me.

And yet despite this, I still find myself really wanting him around.

I was with family most of the weekend, but as I was leaving their place, I asked the Viking if he would come over. He said yes. We had an interesting night. My anxieties and worries and insecurities and fears harassed me relentlessly. My Hunger to sadistically dominate him rode me outrageously hard. I was honest to a certain degree about wanting to dominate him. (I didn’t let him know all of the other turmoil I was feeling.) I wanted to viciously spank his wonderful ass. He playfully let me know that if I did spank him, he’d get me back. Eventually, I managed to refrain from spanking the fuck out of him, primarily because I did not want him to get dominant with me as a result.

I desperately wanted to feel the calm that I usually feel with him. And so things transitioned to him doing some sensation/energy play on me. He was thorough in trailing his hair along me this time and it was amazing. I loved eating his energy through the feel of his flesh against me. We have an amazing chemistry when it comes to this. He certainly earned a larger degree of trust from me for not being overly dominant with me while I was out of it from endorphins.

Regardless, by the end of the night, although I felt amazing from the energy play, I felt a bit sad. I felt like there was just no way we would ever work out. I wondered if we could even be friends. I wondered if maybe we just shouldn’t hang out anymore. All of this because I knew we were not satisfying the darker sides of ourselves.

And then another thing started to plague me: whether/when we would have sex. I want to dominate him more than I want to fuck him, but that’s more a testament to how strong my sadistic Hunger is. I really, really want to explore what our chemistry is like during intercourse. I bet it’d amazing. However, the last time I had sex, I was in a committed relationship with people that loved me and that I loved. A very real part of me is terrified that we will have sex and then I’ll never hear or see him again. I’m also afraid that he doesn’t care about me. It’s wonderful how abandonment issues love to raise their heads!

So this week, I’ve been thinking about all of this. A very good friend told me that I was sounding defensive and insecure when I spoke of how we probably wouldn’t work out. And then it hit me: Underneath is all, I’ve actually been feeling 1) uncomfortably vulnerable and 2) terrorized by my abandonment issues. These feelings caused me to be emotionally distraught and to feel a pressure to make a decision about how the relationship will be. Plus, any time I feel uncomfortably vulnerable, I want to withdraw.

Realizing, acknowledging, and meditating on this has resulted in me going back to being calm. I don’t have to be afraid.

If/when the dominance thing becomes an issue, we can always fall back on our polyamory. There will most likely come a time in which we will both need to dominate, and there is nothing wrong with us finding play partners to satisfy those needs.

So that settles that, and now I’m back to looking forward to seeing him and seeing where this goes! I’m very excited.

Also, when it comes to having sex… I have a plan, haha! Tonight he is spending the night and then tomorrow he and I are spending the day at Staircase in the Olympic National Forest. Soooo we’ll most likely (had better!) have sex tonight, and then spend the next day together, which greatly appeases the insecure mammoth in me that is afraid he’ll ditch me.

I can’t really put into words how relieved I am that my emotions have settled and that I didn’t do anything brash while they were harrowing me!

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