“True” Triad

So, in my last post I said that the couple I’ve been speaking with is interested in a “true” triad. And then I spent the day reading up on other WordPress blogs about triads and polyamory.

So many things to say…

I meant “true” in both bad and good ways. I haven’t been a part of a polyamorous romance in a while, and I was surprised that I’d forgotten something. There isn’t a ‘true’ way to have a triad, or be polyamorous. There’s just the way that works for you, if you’re a polyamorous person. My bad for mispeaking.

For myself, I am very, verrrrry picky about participating in polyamory, namely being in a triad/trigamy.

I am definitely a believer in people being able to be in love with multiple people at once, and making it all work. When I was first finding my way in the bdsm lifestyle and community during the end of my University days, the majority of people in the community were polyamorous. I was exposed to several different forms of polyamory, and made discoveries about myself and what I will and will not accept in a polyamorous relationship.

1) I am not a casual romantic. I have been in my past, and I might find it personally appealing in the future, but not at the moment. I will admit that I am a you’re mine, possessive kind of romantic. I mean that in several ways. The dominant in me loves when someone belongs to me. It’s a bit primal for me. My SO is mine to play with, mine to fuck, mine to please, mine mine mine. And I am theirs theirs theirs. Ideally, it’s rather mutual. Extending this to polyamory… I am personally not into the more casual forms of it. 

I won’t do a polyamorous (or monogamous) relationship that isn’t a committed, long-term one. That means I won’t swing or allow swinging. Sex is rather emotional for me. I have learned that emotionally, I can no longer have casual sex. I develop an emotional bond from it, since sex is such a deep and emotional expression of who I am. I am not a swinger, at least when it comes to full-blown intercourse. (The quasi-exception to this is negotiating casual play partners while attending a dungeon. I’m not alright with intercourse, but if there is sensuality and sexuality in the scene, I’m willing to consider it.) I want a solid foundation of a relationship first. (I will admit there is the possibility of changing my mind. It would depend on the relationship.)

2) I will not do a polyamorous relationship unless everyone is dating everyone. This can be rather tricky, but it’s what I prefer. I like having three people that balance each other out and having three people that can meet each other’s needs. It alleviates some of the stress that a two-person relationship can have. For instance, Partner 1 might be really into something that Partner 2 isn’t, but Partner 3 is. So Partner 1 can have that specific need be fulfilled with Partner 3. And maybe Partner 2 can work on liking or doing whatever it is that Partner 1 is into, but in the meantime, a need is still being met. This does not, of course, work with everything.

3) Balancing the dominance/submission equation is a bit more difficult with three people. I can switch, but I’m picky about it. For me, there has to be a leader. Typically, I like to be that leader. And although I can switch, I can’t do a relationship where the other person is entirely dominant. I need to express my dominance during sex and scenes with my partners.

With this couple, they have a very D/s relationship. They weren’t aware that there is a term for it or a culture for it. The woman is submissive, the man is very dominant. Part of me is worried about butting heads with the man. He’s not used to a Dominant woman. There will have to be a lot of communicating and effort between us, if we are going to work. There is the possibility that he just hasn’t had the opportunity to find out if he could sub at all; that it’s something he might like once he’s explored it safely and with someone he trusts. There is also the possibility that he is completely dominant, no switchiness at all. I would not try to change that. Just like I wouldn’t want anyone to change me. However, if this is the case, then having a poly relationship with them won’t work for me. Expressing myself as a Dominant is at the core of who I am, it’s a need that I will have to have met by both of them. It is my Hunger (to quote Liberate One.)

We’ll see on Monday.

Your Collar

domme

The woven links slither across your skin as I take my time slipping the collar around your neck. I have made this just for you. I have been critical in the judgement of color(s) to use. I have cut each ring. I have chosen only the best. I have spent hours meticulously linking the rings together. Imperfection is unacceptable. Our dedication to each other will be stronger than the metal now around your neck. This is not a play collar. This is permanent. This is a lifetime accomplishment for the both of us.

I close the clasp and you are Mine.

~~~

My Renard and I are nowhere near a formal Collaring. Yes, he wears a collar in public to show that he is mine and as a personal sign that he is owned. But although I own him, I do not Own him. His will has not been put aside for mine. I don’t know if we will ever get to that stage.

For myself, to formally Collar someone is to marry them. It’s a til-death-do-we-part thing. The person I Collar will be my significant other in every way. They will be my submissive and my romantic partner. Renard and I are not romantic with each other in the slightest. The attraction isn’t there. Our relationship is purely D/s.

To me, the ultimate romance is one in which my significant other and I have built a loving enough and trusting relationship that the S.O. wants to give up their will for mine. I have felt this way since my adolescence (although at the time I wouldn’t have been able to put it to words). I strive to be a person who deserves such an honor.

Sexual Frustrations

When I was going through puberty, my sexual frustrations scared me. Not only was my libido extremely intense, so were my sadistic cravings. The two needs went hand-in-hand. Of all my friends, it seemed like I had the highest sex drive. Of all my friends, it seemed I was the only one aroused by the idea torturing someone. I was rather cruel to a couple of boyfriends, because I would build up their sexual frustration. I know now that the term is tease and denial, but I didn’t then. I have always loved arousing my partners and then not allowing them release.

(Fun fact: All of my high school friends told me I’d be a dominatrix when I grew up.)

Pubescent me got off on the idea of controlling my partner’s sexuality. Pubescent me got off on the idea of restraining my partner and having them as a fuck toy. Pubescent me got off on the idea of all the nuances of being someone’s Master, although I didn’t know it at the time. I thought I was weird. I thought I was perverted in a bad way. I thought if I showed my true sexuality and dominance, I would scare people away. Now add in all the sexual abuse I endured growing up. I wound up being very skittish about my sexuality. I wound up doing my very best to bury my sadism. I tried to be normal. Oh, what a mistake that always is. But it was my mistake to make, and I’m stronger and more appreciative of my Renard and my lifestyle because of it.

I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19. The boyfriend I lost it to had little sex drive. I practically had to convince him to do the deed with me. I was so, so careful. I wanted so much more than he gave. He was so indifferent that my first voluntary sexual experiences left me even more worried about how much of a deviant I was. I felt even worse about my sex drive and sadism.

My second sexual partner, though… He loved being marked. He loved being bitten. He loved bruises and scratches and roughness. He loved that I wanted my hair pulled. He loved when I spanked him. It was incredibly liberating to have a partner that wanted to take almost everything that I wanted to give. I didn’t feel like a freak when I was with him. I didn’t feel like a sick fuck. The relationship didn’t last long, but it was a turning point for me on the road to accepting myself.

I’ve definitely come a long, long way since puberty (don’t most people? Heh.). I acknowledge and accept that I am a pervert and a sick fuck to some people. I temper my perversions and my sadism with control, knowledge, and compassion. That has to be enough. Sometimes it’s a tight rope to walk, but I love myself for all my kinks. I trust myself to be responsible and knowledgeable, and that makes all the difference.

Pubescent me was lost. I am no longer lost.

Informative anecdote:
My Renard is a virgin. His first partnered sexual experience was with me. Renard and I are not normally sexual with each other. He was misbehaving. Renard is a brat. Like most submissives, he likes to test his Dominant. I personally think that it’s a healthy thing to do. I think pushing a dominant’s buttons is a good way to test just how good a dominant they are. To a certain extent. There is a fine line between being a playful, bratty, limit-testing submissive, and being disrespectful. Very few things get under my skin. Disrespect is one of them. Suffice to say that Renard was not heeding me when I repeatedly addressed the issue. I was kind. We were both new to our roles, and there’s always a learning curve. I understood that. However, after multiple conversations and repeated infractions, enough was enough. After nearly two months of trying to verbally rectify things, it became apparent that my words were not enough. And so, after another discussion, I told him that he would be punished.

Punishment is a delicate thing to me. Even though I am certain of my role, my control, and proper procedures, I never ever want a punishment to come off as abuse. I think part of this sentiment is growing up in vanilla culture. Inflicting pain and suffering is seen as abuse to vanillas. My mother was very verbally abusive to me when I tried to get into the Scene after I graduated high school, which has definitely added to my wariness of punishments. However, part of being a dominant is enforcing your dominance. I loathe doing punishments, but sometimes they are crucial in establishing respect and ensuring that your roles are maintained. My Renard was not respecting me. He wasn’t taking my dominance seriously. He wasn’t understanding how much I was holding back, how careful I was being with him. He didn’t understand the extent of my sadism.

My Renard likes chastity devices. The day of his punishment, I gave him the first blow job of his life. It lasted half an hour. He wasn’t allowed to cum during it. He wasn’t allowed to cum the day after. No, he wasn’t allowed to cum after his first blow job until a week afterwards. And even then I let him know in no uncertain terms during that week, that I could extend the week-long punishment if he was bratty to me in any way during that week. The results were marvelous. He came so hard that he passed out when I finally let him have his release. He was much more respectful after that. Yes, there were other punishments along the way, but this one and one other showed the most progress.

I fucking loved controlling his release. I loved knowing he was in sexual agony. I loved how much it agonized him to not know whether or not I would stick to a week or not.

Wants and Needs

I have lived in Washington State for two years. I moved here after getting a B.S. that has so far gotten me no where. I have a job that pays me rather well… to do something I don’t care too much about. At least, I don’t care about it as much as what I got my degree in.

After two years of struggle, I am now finally earning enough to be able to afford my own apartment. I signed the contract for it today. I am very glad that I can finally be completely independent. Part of me will miss having roommates, but that just provides more of an incentive for me to have company over and not be the recluse I tend to be.

And yet, with all this progress, I am finding myself in a melancholy mood. Not because I’ll be a spinster (at 26!) living alone with my cat. Nor because I have yet to do anything worthwhile with my degree.

I find myself in the doldrums because I have needs that are not being met. I have desires yet unfulfilled. What needs and desires? Well, I’m a domme, and the past year has been a struggle with my submissive.

I’ve had my submissive for two years. Let’s just call him Renard. The first year was good. We both had ample time and energy for each other.

Then I got my first job at a company that worked all its employees like slaves. The stress was unbelievable and unbearable. By a year and a half into our relationship, I was a shell of myself. He was lucky if I texted him once a month. I was an awful, awful dominant. I failed him miserably, because I was miserable. I didn’t want him to see how badly I was doing, so I distanced myself from him.

I am eternally grateful that he was patient with me and did not abandon me as his dominant.

And now it’s my turn to be patient. (Not a strong-suit of mine.) Sure, I’m doing much better. I have a different job that lets me be me and appreciates my work. As aforementioned, I’m also making decent money. My stress levels are very low. So of course, now that I have gained my inner stability again, all the wants and needs I’ve been burying are starting to dig themselves out of their graves like people buried alive poorly.

I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my submissive for months, but to no avail. He has little time for me. He has little energy for me. He doesn’t have money. I don’t want to pressure him or add to his stress, but I’m also trying to be mindful of the fact that I’m his dominant, and damn it, that means that sometimes, he needs to suck things up and do what I want. Especially if what I want is something as beneficial as spending time together.

I want him to obey me. I want to be his priority. I want him to be himself again. There is, of course, a lot that I’m leaving out.

I just have to take a deep breath in, and be patient. I have my own place now. He’s moving closer. He’ll be away from most of the things causing him stress. We’ll be able to work on things.

It’s been a hell of a year (and by that I mean the past twelve months, not 2013), but I am his Master, and I am going to make things work.