So, in my last post I said that the couple I’ve been speaking with is interested in a “true” triad. And then I spent the day reading up on other WordPress blogs about triads and polyamory.
So many things to say…
I meant “true” in both bad and good ways. I haven’t been a part of a polyamorous romance in a while, and I was surprised that I’d forgotten something. There isn’t a ‘true’ way to have a triad, or be polyamorous. There’s just the way that works for you, if you’re a polyamorous person. My bad for mispeaking.
For myself, I am very, verrrrry picky about participating in polyamory, namely being in a triad/trigamy.
I am definitely a believer in people being able to be in love with multiple people at once, and making it all work. When I was first finding my way in the bdsm lifestyle and community during the end of my University days, the majority of people in the community were polyamorous. I was exposed to several different forms of polyamory, and made discoveries about myself and what I will and will not accept in a polyamorous relationship.
1) I am not a casual romantic. I have been in my past, and I might find it personally appealing in the future, but not at the moment. I will admit that I am a you’re mine, possessive kind of romantic. I mean that in several ways. The dominant in me loves when someone belongs to me. It’s a bit primal for me. My SO is mine to play with, mine to fuck, mine to please, mine mine mine. And I am theirs theirs theirs. Ideally, it’s rather mutual. Extending this to polyamory… I am personally not into the more casual forms of it.
I won’t do a polyamorous (or monogamous) relationship that isn’t a committed, long-term one. That means I won’t swing or allow swinging. Sex is rather emotional for me. I have learned that emotionally, I can no longer have casual sex. I develop an emotional bond from it, since sex is such a deep and emotional expression of who I am. I am not a swinger, at least when it comes to full-blown intercourse. (The quasi-exception to this is negotiating casual play partners while attending a dungeon. I’m not alright with intercourse, but if there is sensuality and sexuality in the scene, I’m willing to consider it.) I want a solid foundation of a relationship first. (I will admit there is the possibility of changing my mind. It would depend on the relationship.)
2) I will not do a polyamorous relationship unless everyone is dating everyone. This can be rather tricky, but it’s what I prefer. I like having three people that balance each other out and having three people that can meet each other’s needs. It alleviates some of the stress that a two-person relationship can have. For instance, Partner 1 might be really into something that Partner 2 isn’t, but Partner 3 is. So Partner 1 can have that specific need be fulfilled with Partner 3. And maybe Partner 2 can work on liking or doing whatever it is that Partner 1 is into, but in the meantime, a need is still being met. This does not, of course, work with everything.
3) Balancing the dominance/submission equation is a bit more difficult with three people. I can switch, but I’m picky about it. For me, there has to be a leader. Typically, I like to be that leader. And although I can switch, I can’t do a relationship where the other person is entirely dominant. I need to express my dominance during sex and scenes with my partners.
With this couple, they have a very D/s relationship. They weren’t aware that there is a term for it or a culture for it. The woman is submissive, the man is very dominant. Part of me is worried about butting heads with the man. He’s not used to a Dominant woman. There will have to be a lot of communicating and effort between us, if we are going to work. There is the possibility that he just hasn’t had the opportunity to find out if he could sub at all; that it’s something he might like once he’s explored it safely and with someone he trusts. There is also the possibility that he is completely dominant, no switchiness at all. I would not try to change that. Just like I wouldn’t want anyone to change me. However, if this is the case, then having a poly relationship with them won’t work for me. Expressing myself as a Dominant is at the core of who I am, it’s a need that I will have to have met by both of them. It is my Hunger (to quote Liberate One.)
We’ll see on Monday.