WARNING: LONG, CONVOLUTED POST AHEAD. (Normally I like my posts to span one topic and be concise, but for today, fuck it.)
It’s been nice taking things slow and getting a feel for myself.
I broke up with them October 4th. I grieved and mourned and did my best to keep my spirits and optimism up. Re-reading through my blog, I can see a lot of similarities between my behavior with Renard and with this past relationship. Mainly, once I want a relationship to work, I will go through hell until I feel there are no options left except to end it.
Some things to note about how my life has changed during this relationship is that I am no longer actively doing things in the community. Of course, there are multiple factors. At first, one of the main problems was that I don’t have a car, so getting around is not the easiest, especially if I want to stay out all night. So if I don’t have a car pool, I don’t go. Another factor is that I don’t have anyone that I want to carpool with. Tigresse and Papa tried to hook me back up with Renard the last two times I carpooled with them, so I don’t trust them to not try again. I have a friend in Seattle that sometimes lets me tag along with them to the CSPC, but fuck that place is expensive. I’m used to $5 covers. Not $20-$35. Aaand since I don’t have a car, and don’t have a lot of friends at this point, going to munches is pretty much completely out of the picture.
Also, while I was in the last relationship, they had hard limits for me playing with others. I could only play with girls, and I couldn’t do anything sexual. This took a lot of fun out of scening, and a lot of my desire to scene went away, since I couldn’t really enjoy myself to the fullest extent. This was a subject that was spoken about on several occasions, but the rule never changed. I did scene with the woman in the relationship, but the occasions were tense. I also scened a few times with others, but was unfulfilled.
So I’ve been a bit of a hermit, which can have it’s advantages, but also some serious disadvantages. I love being around my people, my community. I love the camaraderie and I am missing it.
Hell, I miss hanging out with people in general.
I’ve tried a couple of times to talk to the few friends I still have (inside and outside the community) to see if they’d be up for us going out together, but no plans have worked out.
I need more friends. My friends right now are mostly co-workers and my family, and while they are amazing and great, I want friends outside of those circles. A large part of me wants things to be like how they used to be in Pensacola, wherein my closer friends were also my lovers. I don’t want friends with benefits. I want friends with intimacy that may or may not include scening and sex.
And so, on November 14th, I re-opened my OkC account (no I’m not giving my username!). There was a bit of dread and sadness to doing it. Dread that my exes might see, and what they might think. Sadness that I’m so out of the loop that I’m looking online for friends and dating buddies.
I get so nervous in public. And I’m not a fan of clubbing or bar hopping. I like sitting in a coffee shop and dicking around. And here, most people in coffee shops want to be left alone. I’ve tried chatting a few people up before, but unless they’re elderly or a girl, I get shrugged off.
Anyway, there’s good news. I saw this one guy’s profile. This one guy had a witty username. This one guy had a witty profile. This one guy… has long blonde hair and looks like a viking and has passions. Photography. Leatherwork. Being playfully difficult. He’s dabbled in bdsm as a top. He’s polyamorous.
So I messaged him. We went out to Seattle almost all day Sunday the 16th. It was nice. Relaxed. I didn’t feel obligated to behave a certain way. There were gloriously no expectations except to hang out. We grabbed lunched. Walked around Pike’s Place (I showed him Most of the Places). We saw Interstellar together. Went to a gaming bar and stayed until it closed. It was great. We rode the train back to the main stop, then he drove me home (he offered, whoa). The freedom and lack of restrictions to that day that were lovely.
Wednesday the 19th I really needed some company to help de-stress from the day. He came over to my place. Brought Riesling (my favorite, and he didn’t even know!). I made pot stickers for the first time and KICKED ASS. We hung out all night. Laughed about my stupid work stress. Relaxed. No expectations again. No obligations. Just people hanging out and seeing where things go. No pressure.
I spent Saturday (22nd) night and Sunday(23rd) day/evening with my sister. I got drunk with her at this bar. Everyone loved her. The people that serendipitously hung out with us thought I was weird for getting super excited about books and strategy and nerdiness and for being a dominatrix. I felt terribly out of place. Whereas my sister fit right in with them. With these normal people that I kept trying to understand and analyze. I felt like a spectator.
So on my way home, I tipsy-texted the Viking and eventually told him he should come over. I badly needed to be around someone that I fit in with. Wonderfully, he did come over. He came over to my place at like 9:30 at night just to hang out with me while I was drunk. He didn’t try to get in my pants, although mucho snuggling and snogging was done. I babbled a lot. Let him hear for himself how my thought processes work and just how much I analyze things and how much I’ve been thinking about the gradients of dominance and submission.
I was affectionate with him. I have a very hard time being affectionate, but it’s so incredibly easy with him. Because there’s no pressure to it. There’s no judging or him taking the affection for anything more than it is. Except it’s a lot for me. It is profound. I doubt he realizes it.
So we snuggled and chatted and were affectionate. He left after a few hours, both of us laughing and in high spirits.
Last night I was getting ready to make mini maple bacon cheesecakes for the first time ever. I gave him clues that I wanted company. He actually freaking read into the clues and asked if I’d like him to come over. I said of course. And then I ran out of Pam. So I texted him just to laugh about it and he offered to grab some on his way. It’s little things like that that make me like him. He got to my place and gave me shit for not knowing the recipe or having all the ingredients and it was hilarious and wonderful. He even helped me make the damn things. And then he stayed most of the night and we snuggled and caressed and teased each other a bit and it was great.
There is so much laughter with him. I want him around. He alleviates my stresses, anxieties, and grief. He doesn’t know and he doesn’t need to know. Sure, he can be annoying and frustrating at times, but that’s mostly me adjusting to getting used to him and to being in this state of emotional floating that I’m in.
Because the odd thing for me is that even with as great as everything is with him, I am still in an odd place emotionally. Normally, if I get along this well with someone, by this point, I would want things to get serious. I would want their commitment. But not this time. No. I just want him around as company, whatever the kind. I’m not developing serious feelings for him. I consider him a developing friend. I think part of me is still expecting this whole thing to not even work out as that. I am terribly used to things not working out. And I am still terribly emotionally exhausted from the failed relationship.
Last night this song played on the Pandora station I had going while we were petting each other in bed. I think it’s a bit relatable to me, though not entirely, since I’m not fronting, hahaha: Kings Of Convenience: “Mrs. Cold”.
**SPECIAL NOTE: LAST NIGHT HE DRAGGED HIS HAIR ACROSS ME (A LOT. ON PURPOSE.) AND I ABOUT DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN. That has now been scratched off of my list of things to do before I die, hahaha!**