From catharsis to floating to venturing forth to processing emotions to revelations and now to proceeding with a more stable mind/squashing my anxieties.
One of the most important things I have been doing is addressing triggered emotions. Dating is still outrageously triggering my abandonment issues. But by outrageous, I just mean frequent. I am constantly nipping abandonment anxiety in the bud. Other anxieties have been paired with it, like worrying about being respected, valued, or gaining solid companionship. I have been doing an ace job of nipping these anxieties in the bud as well.
When I first started dating, it would sometimes take me a week, and my friends’ input, to help me figure out the reasons behind my moods. However, now that I’ve ridden the rollercoaster of new relationships at least once, I am now aware of my triggers. So now I can tell almost immediately when my mood has started to foul, and why. Thank goodness I practice a lot of mindfulness meditation. It allows for some clarity so that I can address my anxiety and return to a more stable, content state of mind.
Despite my relentless anxieties, I am very happy.
Things have been heating up with Australian, which has caused my brain to panic a bit and put me on a faster anxiety rollercoaster than I had with the Viking.
The Aussie and I are incredibly alike. Both of us want to let our relationships develop how they will, without putting pressure on ourselves or others to meet some sort of relationship goal. Both of us worry that having a goal or expectations beyond getting to know someone puts unnecessary restraints on the relationship. Yes, both of us still have our needs and our standards, however, we are not pressuring anyone to meet those needs or standards. If someone doesn’t, then it’s no big deal to either drop the person, or to address the issue. Either way, there’s no pressure to ‘make things work’.
For me, this lets things be a whole lot more relaxed. My anxieties like to cling to the uncertainty of not having a goal, but they can fuck off. When I let go of my anxiety, I feel utterly liberated.
Yes, I am constantly having to reassure myself that uncertainty is ok, and that I can at the very least be confident and sure of myself. Yes, I am constantly having to remind myself to enjoy the experience of getting to know someone and to enjoy the freedom of not restraining myself or my relationships. However, each time I have to remind myself, the easier it is to let go of my anxiety, and the longer it takes to raise its nasty head again.